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date: 5/19/2026
time: 6:30PM
mood: weird
music: weird fishes/arpeggi - radiohead
updating this more than my physical journal atp kfgdlkgjdjfg not my goal but whatever, something is better than nothing i think. weird day... i can feel myself slipping back into that numbness which i don't like. i know its a combo of personal life stress/work stress. i feel so burnt out/emotionally fried. it's weird, i feel more hopeless about the work stress than i do the personal stress and that just kinda... makes me feel even more like shit bc i just feel guilty for feeling that way. it's annoying lol.
i work with animals and i love it, SO SO much but i also have to deal with people that WANT these animals and its so endlessly frustrating bc for people that want the animals in my care they do FUCK ALL to ensure they're properly prepared to care for the animal, that again, THEY ARE CHOOSING TO BRING INTO THEIR LIFE!!!! HOLY FUCK! wouldn't you WANT to provide the best possible life for the animal YOU ARE WILLINGLY TAKING INTO YOUR LIFE?? and there is literally no excuse for it. it's just fucking laziness. you have a super computer in the palm of your hands and you're choosing not to use it and then getting mad when i correct your misinformed, frankly abusive, animal care standards? Eat shit. Literally die. i mean that. idfc. no animal should have to suffer for your entertainment. thankfully, my managers are really great and always back me up when i put my foot down but it's just so emotionally exhausting. i love all the animals like they are my own, i am constantly panicking about them. i found out i may go home for a week and my first thought was "oh fuck, whats gonna happen to the animals at work while i'm gone?" so hearing "well when i was a kid it was fine in this enclosure" 5 times a day is actually making me want to put hands on people. when you were a kid there was still lead in paint and no one thought it was bad but we know differently now, don't we? you stupid fuck.
i got in an argument with someone over their care standards today and it just frustrates me so bad that people refuse to learn and change for the betterment of an animal they want as a pet. it's so sad and i'm so at odds with my job and my principles CONSTANTLY but then i get the people that DO want to learn and they DO want to do better after i correct them and it's so rewarding having those honest conversations with people that do want to do their very best for their animals and its so amazing and wonderful and i feel so good that i was able to help someone learn and grow. but they're so rare and it just really, really gets to me. but then all i can think of when i think of leaving is "whose going to fight for these animals if not me?" so i just feel stuck and stressed constantly. when i'm not at work i'm thinking of work, when i'm at work i'm worried about whats going to happen after i'm gone. i just feel sick to my stomach over it and i cannot turn it off no matter how hard i try. i don't even know if i wan't to turn it off because that will mean i don't care any more and i just can't stomach that.
i did have a really good day yesterday, in better news. i worked with my favorite coworker who is like me and really gives her all with the animals, she's awesome. she's like my work little sister, i always look forward to my shifts with her! and then after work dutch and i went and got sushi at kura, they have a tamagotchi collab going on for the 30th anniversary. it was so good! i ate so much salmon i'd give a bear a run for it's money. also ate a ton of eel. the tama collab sushi was. odd. my fave was the deep fried tamago roll they had. the kuchipatchi roll was strangely bland? there was a lot of avocado so i think it just overpowered everything... the sushi donut thing they had was so sweet it tasted like fruity pebbles? the tempura on top just gave it a cereal texture to go along with the taste. it was so weird kgjjdflkgjfd
evil matcha beef roll.... and my beloved salmon and eel nigiri
after sushi we purused book-off which was a bust... they did have a mint in box ham ham games, which was a favorite game of mine as a kid. my siblings and i literally played that game nonstop. but it was pretty pricey and i already own the game so i decided to pass on it. we went to goodwill next and i got a big stewpot to boil spider/hamster enclosure stuff in so when we got home i boiled the grapevine wood that i found on sunday for squish so it's nice and sanitized for him. really wanna be the best hammy mom i can be so i'm decking out his enclosure with all sorts of fun textures and stuff that i'm really hoping he'll love. hoping to find a nice cork tube for him next as a fun little tunnel :3...
it was really funny looking at my stove and seeing a giant stewpot with a giant piece of wood sticking out of it.
i'm really trying to not let myself go into zombie mode and forcing myself to do one hobby related thing a night. i've been falling into that annoying game of stare at the wall trying to make myself do something and get so stuck trying to figure out what to do i end up doing nothing and then feel bad about it loop. i'm so UGH.
really hoping i can reel myself in and shake this burnout, i'm tired of feeling fried!
date: 5/17/2026
time: 9:30PM
mood: idk
music: requiem ost
Spoiler warning for re9 and a general warning for the run-on-sentence-ramblings of an ungrateful, humorless hag
So, i've replayed requiem some more and that means i've been thinking about it more. I still enjoy the game, probably always will because unfortunately i'm a leon lover first and foremost... BUT i do think the game (and leon) suffer from something very common in media nowadays.
Fanservice.
It fucking sucks. Especially when it's heavy handed. And my god. it's nearly never ending in requiem.
A lot of modern day media suffers from it. This isn't a new thing, i know. I just... don't remember it being this annoyingly heavy handed. I want to blame disney for this and so i will because they suck and i hate them. It just seems like it blew up in popularity after the marvel movies and it's all just kinda been one never ending toilet flush since then. Anyway. Back to requiem.
Requiem is very obviously a game released with the 30th anniversary in mind and i really want to know what this game would've been like if it hadn't been released with the 30th anniversary in mind.
So many of the enemies are rehashings from previous games, which is fine, we get that a lot in RE games. Hunters, tyrants, etc. I just wasn't really expecting like. Near carbon copies. Mr. X... 2!!! Wesker... 2!!! Plant 42... 2!!! Nemesis... 2!!!!!!!!!!!
Like. ugh... don't get me wrong, i love zeno and if there was one villain i wanted to come back it would be wesker, or a version of him. but again, i think his inclusion was simply for fanservice. that may explain why he has less than nothing in terms of lore or whatever.
Leon's campaign suffers the most from the fanservice, which like, hes the legacy character he was kinda doomed to that ig. And he does have moments where i'm like ugh... yes more of this please. But so much of his story is like leon kennedy's greatest hits and not really in a good way...?
leon's one liners NEVER stop. And they mostly suck. I love him but it's time to hang up the jester hat king, you've lost it. Even some more "dire" scenes i'm like. okay. This was clearly put here with like. Stupid tiktok edits in mind or to just make people horny as hell for him. The scene with victor, the scene after victor where he injects himself with the meds, him bent over that desk, nearly the entire motorcycle scene, the way he moves his body in certain animations. I'm just UGH. like i know hes hot, so does half the fucking internet. can we move the fuck on please.
Like i am grateful they didn't give it to grace and a man is taking the brunt of the sexualization for once but jesus christ. I dont really want the focus on leon to be haha he's so hot you want him so bad. When so much of the draw of leon for me, personally, is his trauma, the way he deals with it(he doesnt), his desire to do good above everything even when the good thing to do is seemingly impossible, the way he's so self sacrifical that it borders on suicidal, the way he's kind and gentle, the fact that after everything he's been through that naive hope he CAN fix this that he had at 21 is still the thing guiding him. This is a man who shoulders the blame for the fate of raccoon city and ALL of the people in it, as if he, one person against impossible odds, could ever hope to change that outcome. And we do get that leon in requiem, especially in the later half in scenes with grace. But it felt few and far between in comparison to the "look at this funny hot guy" schtick they gave him for a good majority of the game. which wouldve been fine because humor and shrugging shit off is how leon copes with shit i think but sometimes it felt so forced lol. I was really hoping for more, since his return to raccoon was such an emotional pull for this game, along with the fact that he's infected and has, as far as he's aware, no hope for a cure. In fact he doesn't even mention finding one for himself, he just wants to get to the bottom of why this is happening. I personally feel like these more poignant moments with leon were overshadowed by fanservice bullshit fluff that served less than nothing and was only there to cater to a handful of really annoying people.
Which sucks because i know they can balance the funny hot guy thing with the emotional weight leon has because they did it brilliantly in 4r imo.
Then again maybe i'm the pervert and i'm reading too much into these fanservice scenes. but i doubt it, especially with how the re4 remake made leon's popularity explode so dramatically and the fact that capcom is AWARE of it.
besides the one liners, we do get rehashings of gameplay from previous leon games. mainly 4. the infection slog where all you can do is walk and listen to leon say hes not done yet, motorcycle section is basically the minecart section in 4, fight enemies until the elevator is ready ala verdugo fight, fairly certain the chainsaw zombies were included for this fanservice shit alone because why the fuck is there a chainsaw in a medical center and why the fuck does leon take so long to react to it. etc etc etc. there are more i'm missing but you get the gist.
Aside from leon's writing there were a lot of moments where I personally thought that it kinda felt like someone from capcom was in the room looking at me and waiting for me to be like YOOOO REFERENCE!!!!! Like. idk. It all felt very. Did you get that. Did you see that. Haha. isnt that funny, isnt that great. Tell me i'm good. Tell me i'm good.
URGH.
Aside from the fanservice, I do really hate that capcom is tearing apart their own lore for the sake of making everything kind of sort of connected to 7 and 8. It sucks. And truth nuke time. I hate 7 and 8. I do not like ethan, 7 was a catastrophe in terms of pacing. the boat/mine section is basically the gaming equivalent of watching paint dry, the final fight against eveline is a bit of a joke. I think 8 should've been about mia, mother miranda, and rose, not ethan. It also nose dives in quality after donna's house imo. I do not care about heisenberg and his section sucked. 8 also succeeded in destroying chris's writing which was already on thin ice after 6. Like holy shit. I do not get the hype behind them and i don't want to.
I liked when the bioterrorists organizations were like a hydra and every time you stopped one, like 6 more would pop up in its place. It really made the hopelessness chris and leon all felt more real, like jesus christ, this is never ending. Now its just like oooOOOooo its been one organization all along... spooky scary. Like oh my god. Idrc bc what the fuck are you gonna do when you inevitably have to confront the head of the connections and ultimately kill them because lets face it, thats whats coming. Are you just gonna do a SIKE. there was another even shadowier organization controlling the connections ALL ALONG. SPOOOKKYYYY!!!! Like give me a break. You were barely able to pick up the pieces of this franchise after killing wesker off. Tf are you gonna do after this?
Also. the retcons make no fucking sense. Like if the missile the connections sent out didn't destroy all organic life in RC and it was simply to protect elpis and therefore there are still zombies shambling around raccoon, doesn't it stand to reason all those infected animals were still around and could have escaped? Like wouldn't the outbreak have spread like wildfire to other parts of the US since no organic life was destroyed and that means all the infected crows, rats, insects, dogs, WHATEVER could have simply... left? Bc how the fuck are you gonna be able to throughly detect and control any of that.
In grace's report, Wesker is namedropped as having testified against spencer in the umbrella trials when he, as far as current lore stands because they are being dumber than shit about remakes and the order they are doing them, "died" in 1998 at the mansion according to all known survivors of the incident. So, obviously wesker doesnt "die" in the new lore but we don't know that for sure because re1 has yet to be remade. Like JESUS CHRIST CAPCOM!
i know im thinking too seriously/practically for a video game that varies drastically on when it takes itself seriously. but god damn.
a lot of people think we should be grateful capcom gives us anything which i think is bootlicker sentiment i'm ngl. they're a company, they want our money, they're always going to give us something, shouldnt we be able to demand it's the best they have to offer?
Idk. there are tons more complaints i had and i wanted to be more eloquent about my gripes with them but it just kinda makes me angry and all intelligent thought leaves me unfortunately. i think what couldve been an amazing, emotionally heavy game suffered for the sake of fanservice, making everything connected in a really haphazard, not great way, and nostalgia baiting. Which i guess is a form of fanservice, but whatever.
so basically to summarize i take things too seriously, i hate fun, i hate being happy, and i hate enjoying things
date: 5/16/2026
time: 9:20PM
mood: contemplative
music: chickpea snoring and squish running on his wheel
seriously considering a second hamster against all rational thought
date: 5/15/2026
time: 9:17PM
mood: anxious
music: i'll change for you - mitski
gonna be flying back home in two weeks and i'm already dreading it lol... really hoping i'm just being my usual paranoid self and just totally blowing shit out of proportion. which is likely the case but. lol.
anyway, today was nice. we hung out with dutch's family and got dinner. after dinner we walked to the beach and i found a bunch of shells! dutch and i talked about coming down to the beach more often and i'd really like to... i love the ocean, so much. i also found an evil eye bead in the sand. i'm not really a believer in that kinda stuff but it was a cool find so it came home with me lol. after the beach we went and got ice cream, i've been on a huge ice cream kick so i was excited lol i got a cookie dough cone! after ice cream dutch and i went to a local record shop that i really like and i got mitski's new album, which has a pretty tansy yellow pressing for indie stores.
all my shells and the evil eye bead with my mitski vinyl... really love this new album, i need to get her older stuff v_v
we have a busy weekend ahead of us but this sunday i may be able to get some new stuff for squish locally, i'm really excited!
date: 5/8/2026
time: 5:20PM
mood: anxious
music: requiem OST
been having a rough couple of days between getting some unpleasant news and stupid idiot work, so instead of talking about that i'm gonna talk about something else :) the new requiem mini game that dropped yesterday, leon must die forver. yay!
im kinda enjoying that they're just dropping the requiem dlcs with little to no notice. like yes, i actually did need this to drop on a random thursday night, thank you so much capcom.
i wasnt sure what to expect with this, i was expecting everything from a shooting range like in re4r, a classic mercenaries mode, a hatchet throwing mini game... idk. speculating isn't really my thing and i'm almost always wrong... and i was wrong!
its like a "never ending" gauntlet of mercenaries and it's fun... and while i wish we had gotten a classic mercenaries, i do enjoy when they switch things up a little. maybe they'll add mercenaries after the other dlc drops, who knows. they added some cute accessories (well. one cute accessory.) for leon if you get through the different ranks of the game. can i just say. the porsche hat is stupid, i don't think its funny, i don't think its cute. i think its dumbfuck corporate shilling literally buckled onto the head of my favorite video game character whose then given a swift pat on the ass and told "get on out there boy and make us some sweet porsche money." i hate it. keep your fucking brand placement out holy fucking shit. his other accessories are police lights strapped to his head, glowing red eyes, and the only one worth playing for, the wolf ears.
it's really embarrassing to admit because i have so many hours sunk into this game across multiple platforms atp but i am so bad at resident evil. like you'd think doing nothing but playing this game for hours on end would make me good at it but, no. i am doomed to mediocrity in all aspects of my life. it's so awesome. so because i am dogshit at this game, even more so at gimmicky ones, it took me nearly 20 tries to get through the first gauntlet. lmao
but, whatever. wolf ears unlocked, i can hang up the hatchet and never touch this mode again if i so choose.
unfortunately in order to see leon with these on i am doomed to playing this mode which sucks. really wish they'd brought it into the main game somehow :/ to rub more salt in my wounds, you can't even use photomode in LMDF so. awesome. i hate capcom sometimes because like. what. photomode was available in mercenaries in re4r, why'd you TAKE a feature away in a game mode with exclusive accessories. bite me
i also screwed around in the main campaign after i unlocked the ears and took photos of leon, heres one that i really liked :)
date: 5/1/2026
time: 12:36PM
mood: tired
music: RE2R OST
April
date: 4/25/2026
time: 3:35PM
mood: tired
music: untitled - the cure
WORLD IS A FUCK
Kill Em All 1989
i am an evil humorless bitch.
410,757,864,530 UNFUNNY JOKES
date: 4/21/2026
time: 6:55PM
mood: tired
music: jigsaw falling into place - radiohead
rough day at work but what else is new. it's so weird, i love my job but at the same time, sometimes i really, really hate it. i feel like i barely have time to do the shit i actually need to do and then here comes my manager with 30 more things to add to my already overflowing plate. i know its because they know they can rely on me and i am good at my job but jesus christ. enough!!! on top of everything else i have to do and what my managers throw on me, i'm usually playing clean up for whoever the hell closed the night before and getting furiously pissed off that only me and one other coworker of mine seem to give a fuck about the health of our animals. it's so frustrating. these animals need US to take care of them, if you don't want to take care of them maybe work literally ANYWHERE fucking else!!!!!! holy fuck. like, just because you're a lazy fuck doesn't mean the animals should suffer for it.
anyway, enough about work. i dont need to be bringing it here, considering ive been having literal nightmares about it lately... dfkgjflkgjdfg
played some more tomo life yesterday and today... i know everyones saying this but damn i love this game... it's sooo fucking funny it makes me laugh so much. i made vergil yesterday and he's so cute...
i plan on making v sometime soon... i might also make nico, lady, trish, and nero. i also wanna make deacon from fallout 4, some mgs characters, and more resi characters. i'm so relieved you can have so many miis jdfhgdfjkghdfg
also played some resi 4 remake yesterday. whenever i'm sad that game always hits the spot. it's my comfort game. just walking around as leon and (cringe incoming) listening to him breathe and watching his idle animations... ugh i love him so much. its so embarrassing to admit but (cringe incoming) i find myself actually missing him like a hes an actual person if i don't play for a while... cringe........
tonight we're hanging with a friend and watching him play revelations 2 which i still say is a knock off of the last of us and a silent hill game which sucks bc claire and barry deserve a better game than whatever the fuck they were trying to do.
date: 4/19/2026
time: 4:04PM
mood: tired
music: waco, texas - ethel cain
wowee long time no update lol... decided i'm gonna try to use this more often, even if it's just a singular pic or sentence. been so busy and burnt out from work but i'm trying desperately to force myself to do something hobby related, even if i have to do it kicking and screaming. lately thats meant playing games and renovating the site. really liking where it's going but i do wish coding wasnt complete jibberish to me outside of a template. i can tear down a template until its unrecognizable from it's original state but ask me to code from scratch and i may pee my pants. i don't get it kdfkjgfdgjk. i know i just have to do it, get used to figuring out how things are laid out and just do it even if it's ugly and bad but i'm trying to enjoy my hobbies in my limited spare time... not put my head through a wall over them, ykwim?
aside from that, april has been stressful. work is just putting me through the wringer lately and it #sucks... accidentally became too important at work or whatever and now i'm paying the price. i am so tired lol. i've been playing resident evil, animal crossing, pokopia, and now tomodachi life when i'm not in the neocities trenches. jesus christ i just realized how many life sims im trying to play at once. i am in more than one trench good lord...
tomodachi life is so funny, it really makes me laugh. i've been having a fun time making resident evil characters and watching the shenanigans they get up to. i try not to get discouraged when i see the insane miis people are making online bc jfc...
this year it seems i'm on a katsu curry kick and it's been about all i'll order when we go to our fave japanese spots. i've been really bad about eating out now that i'm working again and it sucks but i love food too much to care beyond feeling a little guilty here and there. here are some curries ive had recently:
one on the right is from one of our fave spots in town. the manager knows us and always gives me a second cutlet of katsu lol they know im an #eater
hoping may is kinder to me, work is always weighing heavily on my mind, even at home. i'm hoping it calms down but with summer coming, i don't really see that happening unfortunately lol. i hope all of you are well and that life is being kind to you.
January
date: 1/19/2026
time: 12:30PM
mood: tired
music: my iron lung - radiohead
another year gone... wow 2025 felt like it was barely here. i wanna look back at my 2025 diary entry and see if i managed to complete any of the goals i set for myself LOL.
first, taking a look at goals for my website:
- i techincally did the pic a day diary, but felt like i was exposing myself too much, especially after the archiving of my site so i removed it. kinda thinking about reviving it but with pics of food/small areas in my pc room.
- i did do more game logs, but not for every game i played. mostly because i usually got so swept up in whatever game i was playing i beat it within two days and there was no longer any need for the log lol
- did archive all my diaries but removed them after archival of website bc they were too personal. 2025 diaries aren't too bad so i think i will keep them up. :)
- did not finish any of their shrines but i think i did get a lot of work done on leon's and have it going in a direction i'm liking. atp i'm kinda waiting for re9 to release before i add any more to it incase there have been dramatic changes in lore. same with ada and wesker's shrines tbh
- made shrines for none of these characters but i did make one for one not even listed. vergil son of sparda cursed my dick. what can i say, i have no excuse.
- did not learn more coding unfortunately. when i wrote that i was hoping to get to a place where i could code from scratch but i just get so overwhelmed and feel incredibly stupid so it usually ended in me throwing in the towel while in tears lmao. hopefully this year, but i have less free time than i did last year so. probably not likely. moving onto goals for myself:
- i did start working out more! i have lost. no weight. which feels awesome lol
- drew one leon and havent picked up a pencil, digital or otherwise for a good 90% of the year. rip.
- may have bought even more games without finishing any in the backlog....
- did do some digital journaling but a lot of it was just empty Bullshit so i don't think it can even count lol. hoping to do physical journaling this year but its already the 19th and i havent bought a journal... and again, less free time than i had last year so. it's not looking great.
- definitely read a fuck ton last year and plan on doing so again this year! not sure what my goals are for myself and my site are this year but i mostly just wanna be able to enjoy my hobbies with the free time i'm given without pressuring myself with too much and burning myself out of them. so i guess this years goal is to enjoy the little things and go a bit easier on myself. really want a year where i don't hate myself for 90% of it so. here's to hoping.