okay. i know, i know. i say this a LOT but christ i hate fandom. like idk what it is but i've never felt like i've belonged in it ever. it sucks because a stupid part of me, even at my big age, still wants to. but i never have and i know i never will. i know its a me problem, i know i take shit too seriously, i know i need to unclench. but i can't. i literally think i'm too autisitc for fandom. maybe i crazy thing to say but i take my interests so seriously i can't wrap my head around like. erasing a character's principals, personality, etc. for the sake of like. a vibe or what *I* want them to be. again, can't even wrap my head around that last one because why would i want to change them when who they are is what drew me to them in the first place?

with requiem's release came a lot of old fans returning to resident evil, new fans entering it for the first time, and more people talking about it in general. with that comes the revival of, what i think, are really stupid fandom "jokes", portrayals of the characters that erase their original iterations entirely. this cycle is nothing new but it never stops me from getting stupid angrily and then i catch myself genuinely tweaking the fuck out over someone calling albert wesker a baby booboo that's just a girl on her period and he did all that eugencists bullshit as a trauma response. like. are you fucking kidding me? or leon kennedy is a daddy dom that is also simultaneously a bimbo twink??? jesus christ. like i am losing it over a fucking fictional character but jesus christ.

there's a frank ocean song, american wedding, that people have associated with leon, for the sole reason that one of the lyrics "m-r-s dot kennedy, she signed her name in pen" just happens to have his last name within it. a percentage of the fandom has started calling it "his theme song" and i'm like what about it, other than that one singular lyric, has anything to do with him. why would you WANT to associate a song about an impulsive teenage wedding that the woman(girl actually, because again, they are teenagers witihn the context of the song) is ultimately disatisfied with and asks for an anullment/divorce not long after the wedding and make it his theme song? like. why? am i missing something?

i wont linger on the song even though this association with it has ruined the song for me entirely, which is a shame because it's actually good lol. i just can't hear it without getting irritated dgjfjdggh

i'm so sick of women characters being treated like shit for the sake of yaoi, or just for the sake of the Men because someone wants to selfship with leon or chris or wesker or whoever. like you being a misogynist is a YOU problem, not ada's, jill's, or excella's or whoever. i understand they're a fictional character but. like you can ship leon with chris, yourself, whoever without calling ada an evil shebeast cunt that ruined his life. like it's simply not true LOL. she saved and continues to save leon's life. also you can just simply not talk about her. she's fictional. she isn't threatening you or your yaoi. like shut the fuck uppppppp.

i cant sit here all night listing every little thing in fandom that pisses me off because i would genuinely be here all night and that wasn't the reason i wanted to make this entry to begin with.

i'm just frustrated with myself and feeling like i'm too uptight and serious about my interest(and lets be real, i am. i could benefit from unclenching a bit LOL) but being uptight and serious about my interest is how i enjoy them and if i put that aside to fit in within the fandom culture i would just be miserable. and i know this because i tried and was. miserable. like why do i want to keep doing it to myself. why am i so desperate to be invited to a party that i know sucks!!! i honestly think its because i'm starting to feel... abnormal? about how i engage with my interests. idk.

i hate that so much of the norm in fandom is just. nothing is genuine and everything is ironic. and if you do take shit seriously you get told "it's not that serious relax lol". like it is that serious to me, why enjoy things if you're not going to genuinely engage with them. it's just confusing and i hate it. i feel crazy and i shouldn't and i'm annoyed at how much i'm annoying myself over such unserious bullshit jhfdgjkfghfd

i know my answer to all of this is i just need to engage with things the way i want to and not worry or tweak about what everyone else is doing. and i'm trying, i've deleted all of my social media but bsky which i use so infrequently i may as well not even have it and its been better but every now and then it trickles into my spaces and i'm just right back to square one LOL.

i feel dumb and like an ancient fandom hag and i hate it!

first, taking a look at goals for my website:
- i techincally did the pic a day diary, but felt like i was exposing myself too much, especially after the archiving of my site so i removed it. kinda thinking about reviving it but with pics of food/small areas in my pc room.
- i did do more game logs, but not for every game i played. mostly because i usually got so swept up in whatever game i was playing i beat it within two days and there was no longer any need for the log lol
- did archive all my diaries but removed them after archival of website bc they were too personal. 2025 diaries aren't too bad so i think i will keep them up. :)
- did not finish any of their shrines but i think i did get a lot of work done on leon's and have it going in a direction i'm liking. atp i'm kinda waiting for re9 to release before i add any more to it incase there have been dramatic changes in lore. same with ada and wesker's shrines tbh
- made shrines for none of these characters but i did make one for one not even listed. vergil son of sparda cursed my dick. what can i say, i have no excuse.
- did not learn more coding unfortunately. when i wrote that i was hoping to get to a place where i could code from scratch but i just get so overwhelmed and feel incredibly stupid so it usually ended in me throwing in the towel while in tears lmao. hopefully this year, but i have less free time than i did last year so. probably not likely.

moving onto goals for myself:

- i did start working out more! i have lost. no weight. which feels awesome lol
- drew one leon and havent picked up a pencil, digital or otherwise for a good 90% of the year. rip.
- may have bought even more games without finishing any in the backlog....
- did do some digital journaling but a lot of it was just empty Bullshit so i don't think it can even count lol. hoping to do physical journaling this year but its already the 19th and i havent bought a journal... and again, less free time than i had last year so. it's not looking great.
- definitely read a fuck ton last year and plan on doing so again this year!

not sure what my goals are for myself and my site are this year but i mostly just wanna be able to enjoy my hobbies with the free time i'm given without pressuring myself with too much and burning myself out of them. so i guess this years goal is to enjoy the little things and go a bit easier on myself. really want a year where i don't hate myself for 90% of it so. here's to hoping.